What are the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse (according to DRS. john and judy gottman)
The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" is a term coined by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to describe four negative communication patterns that can significantly harm relationships if left unchecked. These behaviors are often seen as predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and eventual breakdown. Here's a more detailed look at each of the Four Horsemen:
Criticism: Criticism involves attacking or blaming your partner's personality or character rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. It often includes using words like "always" or "never," and it can feel like a personal attack. For example, instead of saying, "I was upset when you forgot to take out the trash," a critical statement might be, "You never remember to do anything around the house."
Contempt: Contempt is characterized by a sense of superiority or disdain for your partner. It often involves mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or other gestures of disrespect. Contempt conveys a lack of appreciation for your partner's worth and can be particularly damaging to a relationship's emotional connection. For instance, making sarcastic remarks about your partner's intelligence or abilities is a form of contempt.
Defensiveness: Defensiveness involves denying responsibility or deflecting blame when confronted with criticism or complaints. Instead of taking ownership of your role in a problem, defensive responses often involve making excuses, shifting blame, or counter-attacking. For example, responding to a partner's complaint with, "It's not my fault; you're the one who always starts arguments," is a defensive reaction.
Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from communication and shuts down emotionally in response to conflict or stress. This behavior can manifest as refusing to engage in conversation, giving the silent treatment, or physically leaving the situation. Stonewalling prevents meaningful resolution of issues and can leave the other partner feeling dismissed or abandoned.
These Four Horsemen can erode trust, intimacy, and connection in a relationship if they become habitual patterns of interaction. However, with awareness and effort, couples can learn to recognize and address these behaviors, replacing them with healthier communication strategies that promote understanding, empathy, and mutual respect.
